Dismissive avoidant ex reddit relationships My ex is dismissive avoidant and every one of his relationships -- before me and including me -- was long distance. I was trying to give him something to self reflect but it was pointless. He in turn was very open to what made him dismissive in the past. My ex was a dismissive avoidant narcissist and I wrote him a letter clearly stating my position and boundaries, and he came over crying not because he wanted to get back together but because he wanted to have the last word and just started gaslighting me again. The relationship was perfect for the first 6 months. Perfect in every way. Almost always. The relationship became untenable, and I did not want to break it off, but I had to. Here's the thing I didn't know. Hi Reddit, So me and my now-ex boyfriend (had a 1 year relationship) are thinking of giving it another go. I loved her unconditionally, but avoidants will see problems in the relationship and the second they feel their own spark is dying, they will cough it up as a sign to terminate the entire relationship instead of understanding that is normal in long term relationships (5 years together) and it’s necessary to voice what you need emotionally out of a man. In my observation it’s pretty core to an avoidant’s experience—it’s a way of getting restless due to unaired tensions, often internal or picked up from work and family but sometimes due to the relationship itself. I had never been treated that coldly in my life. Thats how i know he is avoidant to all aspects in his life — just wasnt aware that i would be the “victim” too lol My ex (DA, 27F) dumped me (27M) back in december. The thing I have to remember is that I left my ex for a reason - it’s probably not worth getting back together or allowing them too much space in my new relationship. Both willing to work together on fixing ourselves. I started our relationship being very very very open with what he needed to do to "not lose me". She would make comments here and there that let me know she wasn't used to talking to people for long. he never gave any effort in anything. I had an avoidant ex that realized that she really did want the relationship, but that was only after she had pushed me away. If the avoidant is constantly neglecting the other partner but forcing them to stay with them, that is abusive. Also, with dismissive avoidant individuals, there can be the tendency to fault find as a subconscious strategy to maintain safety in autonomy and avoid having to be vulnerable with someone. Not dismissive avoidant. Perhaps it’s because you’ve both tried to work through issues unsuccessfully. You have got to understand these people are traumatised. My avoidant ex who manipulated and gaslit me the entire relationship said he still wanted to be friends after I caught him with other girls said this. He was going through a lot with the military and life and I think he deactivated like this and broke up with me 2 months ago. Please READ THE RULES before participating to understand what is and is not allowed. Just got dumped again two days ago by my ex gf for the same situation. Thanks for reading and the reply btw. I'm not sure if this is just my mind playing tricks on me because as a dismissive avoidant i'm never sure if my feelings are real or due to my attachment style. Dismissive avoidants usually are the ones to cut you off and pretend you don’t exist lol. We were friends for a year and a half before starting a different dynamic. I was not “fixed” by a partner. Had a deeply dismissive avoidant ex, and it took me years of healing to get past his bullshit. I am a dismissive-avoidant that has returned to nearly all my exes (within 3-4 months, if I initiated the breakup). By themselves. At which point, if they really wanted to work on things they would reach out regardless. Sense I am the only person she had been in a relationship with her that didn't break frame, till the end I always remained vulnerable, caring, and kind. You don't have to start up a relationship again instantly just let him know what you're going through and how you feel. that hit. Just because someone is dismissive avoidant doesn’t mean their behavior isn’t emotionally I'm sorry that you're still struggling with the after-effects of this relationship. This is NOT an excuse for his abusive behavior. To give a little context, I am a Dismissive Avoidant. Years ago an avoidant person would be shamed for it. Yes, avoidant individuals have these kinds of thought patterns which can come from the beliefs such as I will be betrayed, I will be trapped or I am unsafe. " Me (M22) and my ex (F20) broke up a month ago today. People being avoidant and cold in relationships. I am in therapy for that. Me and my ex (30yo) When we meet, she wants cuddles, is affectionate, keeps acting like we're in a relationship. I wanted the relationship so bad that I would do everything to self abandon my needs just to please him. Not sure how to add flair, but I am mostly secure and lean slightly anxious in friendships and slightly avoidant in relationships. When an AP dates another AP, one is usually more avoidant than the other. At the present time she is quite frustrated and has stated she does not want to be friends. I've seen this trend in the past few years. I never cheated and I was always being honest and pure. I found a perfect 100% match with 'dismissive avoidant' attachment style. That would appear TOO emotional. He's textbook dismissive avoidant, we've talked about it, we've read about it together, he admits it, the only thing he won't do is therapy. Seeing her mother in the act of cheating on her dad in middle school, toxic exes, violent relationships. The anxious partner continues to stay and tolerate being treated with either indifference or kept in a grey area where the relationship is undefined. he ignored me for a long time, started dating someone else (he told me via text) with whom he now seems to be in a committed relationship. I couldn't understand how we were basically in a relationship so why couldn't he just make me his gf. I ve been nc for 3 months with my dismissive avoidant ex. Lots and lots of relationships, none lasting very long. I think these might be the only indicators. Making people feel like their needs are somehow too much. 5 years. I'm fearful avoidant but working towards secure (with therapy and books) I’m trying to do the same, work on myself and become secure, but at the same time my focus is also on my ex because I still have very strong feelings. She has told me that she would date me but if not for being friends with my ex but also has initiated contact and told me that she recently broke up with her boyfriend. My ex is (at least thats how i see it) a hardcore dismissive avoidant. We met in work. I think a little bit of deactivation is inevitable, even transiently for secure people. 8) “Is my avoidant ex going to come back?” Avoidant exes, like any other ex, could come back. A dismissive avoidant would try hard to not look or act weird when breaking up. But again everyone is different If in time they understand what they do the only way that it could be fixed is therapy for themselves and unpacking why they are dismissive and avoidant. My (27F) dismissive avoidant ex (39M) broke up with me in beginning of aug after 2. Sometimes they aren't though. Thank you <3 I hope I can find this too. Hoping he finds healing - at least in part so he never does that to anyone else again! She told me so many lies, so many reproaches that I never heard during the relationship before that felt like a pure stab in my back. Very unconsciously they can expect that the test of a true attachment figure is they should remain through all bad treatment - when, unlike the parent-child bond, love in healthy adult relationships is conditional on treating each other well. I dealt with an avoidant ex boyfriend off and on (long distance now) for 23 years. Every relationship is complex, because people are complex; no relationship is a fairy tale of simplicity devoid of conflict, much as we may wish it. I still think about her a lot. We got into a really big fight 1. We had been together for 6months, bur the connection was so strong since the beggining. I originally thought she was Anxious but turned out she was really DA. In my experience, whenever an avoidant has reached back out to me, it's usually 4 months+ no contact and I'm already in a better relationship. Most recently he spent the last year convincing me to I was with my avoidant ex for a year before I left they can have LTRs but that doesn’t mean they aren’t avoidant in that relationship. I apologize after the fact, after I do some introspection I realize I mess up a lot. If an avoidant ended a relationship, even in a moment of deactivation, they truly felt it was a bad relationship. Those are his own demons. I mean the red flags where there from the beginning. She is a dismissive avoidant and she had started to distance herself by text and seemed less enthused than her usual self when Facetiming with me (we were in semi LDR - she comes back to town every 2 weekends). If there's a lot of push-pull, it can be abusive. I’ve had a dismissive avoidant appear and disappear from my life for 20 years at least 6 times. he invited my ex-boyfriend over to a party at his house where my current boyfriend and I were so that my ex could fuck up my that article even says that people who are dismissive-avoidant can have relationships, My ex (f38) broke up with me (m39) 3 months ago out of the blue and it’s shook me to my core. tl;dr - Advice on dating 'dismissive avoidant' guys? Thanks in advance for any replies! I wonder if your ex is a fearful avoidant then. View community ranking In the Top 1% of largest communities on Reddit Dismissive avoidant ex So I’ve been on both ends of the attachment styles (woohoo) and can firmly say that when I was with my avoidant ex, my anxious side was full throttle and I was determined to find my worth in cracking open his heart and would desperately try to win his love and approval subconsciously confirming that I was the problem for a broken relationship and I had to do everything in my Having a hard time moving on from dismissive avoidant ex . And the longer you are in these type or relationships, the longer the partner is going to realize something is missing. He said he needed space, we had come to a breaking point after fighting a lot and him pulling away and I told him that either this relationship should move forward or let me go. There truly is no getting through if they are not self-aware/actively working through their own insecure attachment styles. I have had far longer relationships, but this was the first person I had everything in common with (e. he said he feels like he can’t give me what i deserve, that he’s failing and that cutting off our relationship is the only way for him to focus on work and on bettering himself People who have not fully recovered from trauma, let alone a relationship with a narcissist cannot nurture relationships in a healthy way. I did become more self aware after a very volatile and miserable relationship with a fearful avoidant man that got me back in therapy, but the relationship honestly left me more scarred than anything else and I’m glad I ended it. My ex was more avoidant in his attachment style than I was. We have the classic definition of the above attachments, me (22M) being the anxious and him(20M) being the avoidant. Things were going really well. He was fearful avoidant. Unfortunately, my ex was unable to show up or commit when it really came down to it. Avoidant partners can be brutal leading up to and during a break Most of those relationships fail as you cannot have a strong bond without true vulnerability. I haven't had a proper relationship since then so I haven't gotten to the 'feeling obligated to spend time with them' stage very often since. Every time I felt like breaking no contact with DA, I would go to Reddit to read all the heartache, confusion and immense disappointment from Dismissive Avoidant - and kick myself back to keep and stay NC. I realized I contributed to my partner's anxiety by being dismissive in the beginning of the relationship. I feel tremendous guilt over my behaviour and the only course of action I My(28) long-distance partner(23) is DA, on top of going through some stress due to immediate circumstances. I say partner, but I’m not sure where we stand. When relationships fall apart, it happens for a reason (and attraction has never been the reason in any of my cases). he breadcrumbed during Phantom ex is about current unmet needs that maybe you had met with the ex. I had been with my partner for 5 1/2 years and felt like I didn't have the feelings I should have for her at that point in our relationship. Thank you. and had lots of red flags. I am genuinely at a loss, and love him so deeply. Now they just say they're "setting boundaries". The next layer is that they are unaware of their DA habits, which gives me compassion and empathy ("it's not their fault. I also don’t know how he found my profile. Should have been a huge, glaring red flag. I'm an textbook example of Dismissive Avoidant Attachment and I think it's correlated with being an INTP. Dismissive avoidants may engineer romantic pseudo-relationships in their lives that enable them go a long time without having to deal with the realities of real daily intimacy, conflict resolution My ex was definitely a dismissive avoidant type. It’s easier for me to do that because I’m a fearful avoidant and not a dismissive avoidant. Log In / Sign Up; Advertise on Reddit; For some context, I wrote the letter below to my "ex," although I'm not sure if I can really use the word "ex. I know you didn't ask, but my advice to you is talk to your guy, especially since you do want to be with him it seems. I broke up with her because I was tired of this exhausting push-pull-dynamic and being the only one speaking openly about issues and problems in our relationship. Tell him you're working on yourself. We get along great, better than before, because now she has her own space. You can't walk that path with them. I tried everything for quite some time to talk my dismissive avoidant ex partner into not separating. A question for people with dismissive avoidant attachment about I was in a 9 month relationship with a DA (M) and noticed his strange behaviour but didn't know about this attachment style medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems Funny thing is, 5 months in the relationship she had a bit of a freak out about us moving to fast and we said we love each other to soon. My bf and I have very different attachment styles and it's causing some problems in our relationship, (dismissive avoidant) wish their partner could understand after 1. At the same time, they can't meet those needs of yours because you sacrificed them in order to save your relationship. So, understanding your attachment style will help you understand how and why we select our future partners. Search dismissive avoidant on Reddit. Dismissive Attachment and Anxious Attachment make really poor matches. I have not asked her to be friends ever, she indicated several times “she hoped we could be friends” - made zero effort to show that or facilitate a friendship. Avoidant bashing is not acceptable here. You can fix dismissive avoidant habits through therapy and couples counseling, something we never had a chance to do. But anxious and avoidant don't mix. We were both aged 32. Yeah I had some emotional trauma to work on that took a toll on the relationship, and he mainly blamed it on that. i broke up with him a week before we actually officially broke up for good. My ex(21 F)a Dismissive avoidant broke up with me (26M) anxious preoccupied months ago. he began to drink a lot of alcohol and things got even Dismissive Avoidant ex So my ex broke up with me around 2 1/2 months ago and it’s been incredibly hard for me. My ex broke up with me approximately 1 month ago. My partner is an avoidant-dismissive and I'm an Anxious Preoccupiped Attachment and we've been together for 7 years and are about to be engaged (I get reminded that I need to propose every day, by her lol). Motivation I see a lot of people posting here about avoidants/dismissive avoidants and how their exes are never coming back, or won’t ever let themselves think about or revisit the relationship because of their attachment style. Is your ex maybe fearful avoidant? I've been dumped by FAs and then they always want to get back together, but to me it seems APs like my relationship now never want to end the relationship under any circumstances, always want to work through things and keep trying. I have two kids who she loves and she has no kids. I’m avoidant and I was in another relationship about 2-3 months after I ended the relationship with my previous girlfriend of two years. She knows that my ex was extremely emotionally unavailable. At one point i feel the depth of your relationship overwhelmed her and completely shut her down and things like this do happen very randomly with people that are avoidant and haven't healed from past experience. However he also displays sociopathic tendencies. After my breakup understanding how my ex was avoidant, THEY ARE DISMISSIVE AVOIDANT, THAT MUST BE IT". I guess this is what they call the "phantom ex" thing. What needs might be unmet in your current relationship? Try to figure that out and that is what you can communicate to your current partner. We did everything a typical relationship had, we traveled together, met each other friends, and I practically moved into his apartment. She had her own struggle with ROCD and I think for her the fears began to outweigh the feelings. g. My attachment style is Fearful Avoidant so I can definitely get triggered on my anxious side when I am with a DA. 5 months ago was actually an avoidant discard. (I found out afterwards from talking to his ex girlfriend that he has always monkey branched every relationship. I was so excited to meet in person. DA’s don’t really reach out as much. i felt like the avoidant attachment made it hard during the relationship in the sense that he never wanted to face the issues, or think about his wants/needs, never opened up about struggling or being And I don't enter relationships very often I had one relationship that lasted 5 years (with another avoidant) and I broke it off for a number of reasons. Hey everyone, so I recently had a break up with my anxious avoidant ex (25f) I’m secure but tend to get anxious due to distancing (24m). Despite the trauma she caused, I find myself missing her and thinking about the good memories. I've been through the exact same situation while being in a relationship with my ex, he always thought he could wiggle his way out of problems or just make me look like I was overthinking everything. Please respect our space I’m an avoidant (dismissive), here on a no contact sub because I still miss/think about my ex. It is a confusing situation at best. I don’t know, but it definitely sounds like a rollercoaster of a relationship and I don’t think anyone would (or should!!) fault your for not wanting to continue with a relationship with this person. Also, he’s constantly been back and forth about wanting to move in (he has initiated these conversations, only to pull back a few days later saying he isn’t ready). I mean I already learned enough about her childhood, her past relationships, even met her (nutty) family, she is a classic avoidant. Reply reply I’m new to the DA world, so naturally I was just searching the “dismissive avoidant” keyword on YouTube and his content started showing up. Is there any hope left (nothing major ever happened between us)? Will this relationship succeed as he is very avoidant in general? What is your experience with a dismissive avoidant ex girlfriend? Did they come back or initiate contact after? My DA ex dumped me about two months ago (fell out of love and wasn’t attracted she says) and I have been in no contact since day 1. I don't think he is capable of feeling real love because he has never allowed himself to feel big feelings. I don't know if having him unable to contact you would make a difference really if they're an actual phantom ex, meaning idealising him and your relationship as a subconsious distancing strategy. I don’t blame her at all. he told me he had like almost 10 relationships. But if the avoidant is open about the way they are, and the other partner has the ability to I met my (now) ex-fiancee who turned out to be a dismissive avoidant (DA) 2 years ago. Understanding these attachment styles Attachment Theory helps you understand how your relationship was with your parents when you were a child. It’s been very difficult. I expected to feel infatuated, or simply more "in love" with her than I did and that was simply never a feeling I ever had in our relationship, although I have had that feeling in the past with exes. I do feel that Dismissive-Avoidant people get vilified a lot though and while some are jerks a lot of us can be a good partner as long as we have the space and ability to feel independent within the relationship. 20 years of breadcrumbing too. It doesn’t work like - oh we’re both avoidants so we can get along like similar interests. one that you won’t understand until untold amounts of research after the fact. I dated someone when I was 20 who might have been dismissive avoidant. I was very clear with my triggers that make me avoidant. Like you, my trust in relationship was eroded after the Dismissive Avoidant, and I am still checking myself, lest any unfairness spill over to prospective dates now. You will have a chance to get your power back. Saying “I shouldn’t need this much space this deep into a 1 year relationship” to justify his actions too. We had a pretty much perfect and lovely a year of relationship — we knew each other for 5 years already before having romantic relationship. I speak on this ALL THE TIME! The biggest lesson my relationship with my Avoidant Ex taught me is to have a zero tolerance and zero accommodation for bad and inconsiderate behavior. " "the avoidant partner is unaware of his or her extreme dependence on the other. r/ExNoContact A chip A close button. 5 months or so ago about the topic. I made a post about the breakup last year: Even though it doesn't explain every individual or every circumstance in a relationship, the dismissive avoidant attachment style does track my ex's behavior over the course of our "Does my avoidant ex miss me?" (Do you know if a complete stranger's ex, who is also a complete stranger to you, misses their ex?) Unlikely, if they broke up with you. My ex is like this I think. I have no words, just virtual hugs of comfort. He cheated, lied, withheld love, emotion, etc. TLDR; sociopathic things about my ex. Dismissive avoidants typically wouldn't refuse to see you. The person I dated was more avoidant, and in fact, behaved like a textbook fearful avoidant at the end. I am four months post break up with my dismissive avoidant ex who initiated the break up text book blindsided. After 9 months of dating I (39M) broke up with my boyfriend (36M). I only watched a couple of his videos. The switch from super affectionate and stable and loving to completely cold when triggered is very FA. I don’t know how to tell him that he is dismissive avoidant without making him defensiveand I don’t know if he’d be willing to give it another shot even with this new information. How do you decipher between whether your feelings are real or just phantom ex syndrome? To keep this a safe space for avoidant attachers, this subreddit is strictly moderated. 5 years together with him and more views from his side (part of it thanks to reddit and you), I have been learning to accept the fact that he is who he **This is a support sub for those who have a dismissive avoidant (DA) attachment style. For those who do not have an avoidant attachment style looking for answers, there is a wealth of information for you available by keyword searching "FAQ. I used to be pretty avoidant myself. ** Redditors who are not DA can post in the All AT Styles thread. looking back now that was a tell tell sign of a dismissive avoidant trying to pull away from If you try to fix your relationship with an avoidant by sacrificing your own needs, it's not worth it. I (anxious attached) was with a dismissive avoidant (DA) for 12 months. I wanted a relationship and he didn't. Followinggggg. I want to fight for this relationship. He also had a lifetime of trauma which although doesn’t excuse his bad behaviour, it does give it context. Welcome to r/relationship_advice. Because they will see how much efforts you put in, and they will know that you have resentments. I could tell she wasn't used to cuddling and kissing. She was dealing with her own trauma she got from her parents abusing her mentally. I made it clear we are ex’ not roommates and that do not engage with me So my ex and I had dated for about 5 months. Since he is a dismissive avoidant, he probably feels so much relief and independence and freedom and he is out there right now focusing on his While me I am having a hard time still accepting that it’s gone now and that he let me go just like that. I am a dismissive avoidant, struggling between feeling trapped in the relationship and the fear of abandonment outside of it (feeling that my partner gets me and loves me, and no one else why is my dismissive avoidant ex like this? My boyfriend (21 M) and I (20 F) broke up for the second time last week. ) so my ex broke up with me couple days ago. They sabotage a healthy relationship while always keeping a door halfway open as an escape route. " We always referred to our relationship as simply David & Mathieu. I found some of what he was talking about informative and useful, but . As an avoidant, what do you consider the line between being “chased” versus someone being “consistent”. Remember in the beginning of a DA relationship it feels like you met the woman/man of your dreams. ") I'm struggling to get over how my avoidant ex treated me during his deactivation. Immediately after our last session, where he got kind of called out on his behavior, he asked for a few weeks of space to process whether he still wants to be in the relationship. I hadn’t done anything wrong, treated him well, started to fall in love and really cared. My ex and her are in the same circle of friends but not overly close. My past relationship 5 years ago got emotionally and physically abusive at the end (he hit me and I got PTSD). Depending what kind of relationship you had with them, it will reflect on how you treat those close to you as an adult. Idk how your ex was exactly, but it looks like he kept you around to milk you for validation, which is absolutely not okay. In my attachment theory studying I am finding that it's often anxious attachers who are asking about dismissive avoidant partners. tl;dr - My dismissive avoidant friend, who I dated for a short while before amicably splitting to work on our attachment issues, is going through an extremely traumatic/stress time because her ex reached out to her and spewed abusive crap to her. After she broke up, I went to do some research. I didn’t choose to end it. I haven’t ever been able to understand. We didn't. My ex dismissive avoidant blindsided me and monkey branched into another relationship. they will never be able to be themselves and I have always made them be on egg shells whenever I have questioned the relationship. Not having a serious relationship for many years and not getting remained. Also, look up the sunk cost fallacy. When we first started talking: she was funny, flirty and excited to meet up. Please make sure you read our rules here. I was his most successful relationship, and the only partner he’s said I love you to (I made him say it first, due to his avoidant tendencies). Attachment Theory helps you understand how your relationship was with your parents when you were a child. At the time of breakup, my ex’s last few messages included “i was not ready for a relationship”, “it’s not you,it’s me” and “you are right” etc. In the whole relationship, We only argued or had a dispute once because I asked her to spend more time, which resulted in her being SUPER DEFENSIVE and even saying that I cannot fulfil your expectations and i need space. It's a dark and hard path, just like learning how to be secure and heal our own wounds. Last time I saw her I said I wanted space and would contact her when I was ready, she agreed with this and said it was okay. Hi i feel like my scenario is so similar with yours. I love my now ex so much and I hope that maybe we can be together again at some point, but I just feel like we aren't being true to ourselves trying to be together right now :/ Our needs are so different and we do that anxious/avoidant dance and it's caused so much strife :( Don’t know about a dismissive avoidant but this may help. This is the correct answer. Have you been blindsided with a breakup? It’s difficult enough when you sense or know that the end is nigh for your relationship. When people asked us if we were a couple, we would say no, it was just David & Mathieu. I have been through a lot of difficult things in my life but the relationship and break up with a dismissive avoidant is the most painful thing ever. When in reality it's just like you said. Could not open up about feelings, would not initiate or proactively go out of her way to come see me when she would leave for weeks. We work at the same place and see each other most days when we are at work. Her way to deal with these situations was to shut down completely, to play it all down or - in the worst case - to insult me. we decided we would try and work it out, but when i did it, he cried for the first time ever in front of me. his reasoning was that he feels too stressed and burnt out to keep going with our connection and having to juggle college on top of that. The longest relationship I’ve been in has been over a decade long. I had no idea about attachment styles until the past two days, but in hindsight remember she My ex (very fresh breakup) is most definitely a dismissive avoidant. For example, I was willing to work with my ex on his anxiety, but I was not willing to continue working on the relationship when he sought attention from other people and had inappropriate conversations with his ex husband (this happened early on in our relationship and we did work through it until I found out he was continuing it behind my back and lying to me). It's classic avoidant behavior to look at something that feels complex, and say "nope, I'm out" without discussing needs, boundaries, and trying to figure out a solution. This is the hardest part, because deep down I know they are a good person which is why it's hard to let go. While he has his faults as a dismissive avoidant I too have faults as a an anxious lover. I was in a relationship with a Dismissive Avoidant type for about 3 months. Maybe the writing’s on the wall because of the way they are behaving. So it’s less about the ex herself and more about what you think is lacking right now. I once blocked my ex on everything and he ended up messaging me on STEAM THE GAMING PLATFORM - which I rarely use. For background and not to get to specific but she has been through major emotional traumas in life. Most people who've approached me about their DA partner didn't even have a DA My ex is an avoidant (hard to tell if his's dismissive or fearful), and he literally cannot find it in himself to commit, even though he and I match in a ridiculous amount of ways. Unfortunately I needed to be broken up to see that. 7) “Does my avoidant ex think about me?” (Do you know if a complete stranger is thinking about another complete stranger?” Yes, only if the avoidant ex has said they do. How Do I(21M) Move On From My Dismissive Avoidant Ex(19F) Who Traumatized Me? Recently, I was dumped by my dismissive avoidant girlfriend, and I'm struggling to move on. Sometimes you need to see that the relationship was actually not good for them. She had been with many guys but never in a relationship, and I had a pretty long relationship before, so completely different cases. After 3 years on and off, my SO and I went to couples therapy where we established that I am anxious and they are avoidant, and that my trigger is abandonment. Open menu Open navigation Go to Reddit Home. Please review the subreddit rules prior to participating to ensure this subreddit remains on topic. 5 years and it was fantastic, she had come out of a 6 year relationship with a narcissist a year before we met who I know treated her badly and still tried to manipulate her, I was aware of this and tried to show her how she could be loved without manipulation and I was in therapy for my own issues and I basically went over his behaviors and why he does them as a dismissive avoidant. Doesn’t matter if it was bad, objectively. I beg everyone here to really learn attachment styles. He acts although we’re in a relationship when we’re together but he is dismissive avoidant and communication via text is strictly on a needs must basis never just for a chit chat. Good communication is key in healthy relationships. At first I was confused and lost as to why she would end it but then as I reflected I learned that I’m avoidant. Key Takeaway: Recognizing whether your avoidant ex is more dismissive or fearful gives you a clearer insight into their complex emotions and reactions within a relationship context. How would a secure act on recieving breadcrumbs from a Dismissive Avoidant ex? AP seeking advice My DA ex was sending me loads of different breadcrumbs after slow fading on me and forcing me to breakup because of not putting any effort, expressing doubts about our relationship, checking out emotionally, no physical intimacy and the list continues. Has anyone been in a relationship with an Dismissive Avoidant ex and wants to share their experience? Skip to main content. It was my first relationship so I have a lot to learn still. he has a dismissive avoidant attachment style. The longest it took for my ex-DA to reach out after taking off was a year and a half. I try to just exist in the moment and enjoy the new relationship where it’s at, instead of thinking about all the work that has to be done in order to make it comfortable. Alone. He has also at the beginning of meeting said that he’s not ready for a relationship which I accept and I dismissive avoidant ex . Does anyone have experience ignoring a dismissive avoidant and specifically how do they react? Of course, everyone is different regardless of their attachment style. Just like your ex, he told me from the very beginning he couldn't make any promises about a relationship when I had told him very early on that I wanted a relationship (to quote you - "So they're also not one of those people dragging others into relationships and then not doing their part"), but he still stuck around long-distance for a few months and since coming back to the I had a relationship for 1,5 years with an dismissive-avoidant. I dont feel rhe need to reach out anymore but I still feel jealous and i am wondering if he treats her better. Her previous relationships were also longer term 3-4 years Recognizing the signs of an avoidant attachment style is important to greater relationship satisfaction. Except my (now) ex’s biggest problem was managing his temper and anger but he wasn’t above being dismissive or stonewalling. I read a lot of people say that Anxious and Avoidant-Dismissive do not work. We were together for 1. She works in the USA and I work in the UK (same company, but offices around the world). I hope this post validates some of you. My ex who broke up with me a week ago (after 2 years together, and half a year of him claiming he was fighting himself), for the reasons of I lost feelings, I can get what I'm getting in this relationship in any other relationship, I wanna work on us but I feel drained and I don't want to hurt u if I give it another chance and feel this way again, has actually contacted me almost My ex (30m) and I (30f) broke up 2 months ago and I am not doing great. Reading what you wrote made it clear to me that I have an insecure avoidant attachment style and made me realize just how much I put my ex through throughout our relationship. He treated me horribly but I stayed because I was/am super trauma bonded with him. So you can see that made for one hell of a ride. You seem to be very aware of why a relationship is not viable between you, even if it is a possibility should you wish to pursue reconciliation. if they feel that the relationship is going too fast, or getting too intimate, that might trigger what's called an avoidant attachment response – in other words, they cheat as a form of escape. " Non-avoidant participation is limited and enforced. My dismissive avoidant ex of almost 3 years, (22 F) broke up with me (21 M) roughly three weeks ago. . Told me he didn’t want a relationship when I pushed for more after 6 months. Ask me questions if you want. Finally someone's talking some sense. and how do we actually know each other that well, I told her if 2 people feel in love then it's ok to say it. I don’t plan on texting her now but I’m trying to get a general idea on how I reach back out to her without crossing any boundaries. , I am told this is "normal" dismissive avoidant behaviour but it feels so personal. Im beginning to think a lot of people on here think their ex partner is avoidant/dismissive attachment because from our perspective it looks a lot like that. . She is a classic case of a dismissive avoidant. The girlfriend fysicaly looks like his ex wife. Expand user menu Open settings menu. Avoidantly attached partners appear aloof, indecisive, or not fully invested in a I am finally realizing now that a blindside breakup I went through 1. These so called “dating coaches” encourage us to give avoidants so much grace but plain and simple, I simply don’t think they deserve a shred of grace. In this relationship, I waited for him to say I love you first to not scare him (and over time he’s gotten much more comfortable saying it more frequently). My ex was very open about having an avoidant attachment style through our relationship, and very self-aware of the problems with that, but I guess ultimately wasn’t yet at a point in his life where he was ready to overcome them. I'd love to hear more from actually dismissive avoidant people. Both of us (him being pretty textbook dismissive and me more so Avoidant). Has anyone completely healed from their dismissive avoidant ex? More specifically, does anyone have something proven or tangible, supported or provided by a doctor, a psychologist, A educated therapist (not a relationship coach!) I have spoken with a therapist who has her registered psychology degree as well as a doctorate in philosophy. I don't agree with an ex is an ex for a reason, there are a lot of couples right now that shouldn't even be together and most of the time people get losing feelings mixed up with attraction but not exactly physical attraction, love is always there if it's real and that's why space and time work because reality hits you like damn I do love this person because love kicks in once you feel like I'm currently seeing a classic 'dismissive avoidant' type, and being an 'anxious preoccupied' type, we've had a lot of difficulties, so I'm after any personal stories you guys have about dating this type. I was the same with my ex and she ended up breaking up with me because of it. DONT DO IT. I managed to distance myself following the breakup very much so. He chased me for 10 years, sent me a message from fake accounts every 2 or 3 years. Even though the first 3 months of our relationship were really nice, after that it went downhill very fast. Relationships are based on feelings, and if someone feels bad in a relationship, it is a bad relationship. My ex told me he had only 3 relationships but none lasted 1 year. I blame myself for allowing this to happen. We'd like to take this time to remind users that: Before I knew she was a dismissive avoidant I just thought she had problems with intimacy; which was understandable, as her last relationship was 5/6 years prior and it ended HORRIBLY. I met this person 3 years ago, but we were only close friends for the I broke up with my ex-gf more than a year ago. Some lasted less than 6 months. He can't go through hard time in relationship though I really wanted to grow with him. Me and my ex (30yo) Dismissive avoidant ex wants contact but no intimacy . thus leading me to have an anxious attachment style; I finally had to put an end to our relationship because mentally I was declining. Get app Get the Reddit app Log In Log in to Reddit. Only when I started avoiding him after the break up was the best thing I ever did, Im glad it hurt him to see me finally go. I’m a fearful avoidant and I have reached out to apologize to people 1-3 years later. That person will act like a dismissive avoidant or fearful avoidant in that specific relationship. Your perspective is unfortunately often overlooked but is I have been in therapy 6 years and it has taken alot for feel things and not just push them under the rug (quickly moving from partner to partnerI/ drugs/ alcohol) know it’s easy to blame avoidants ( my ex is dismissive avoidant and I am completely heartbroken) but we are this way as a result of neglect/trauma/in difference in childhood. Throughout the time we were dating I could see her withdrawing from the slightest sense of conflict and she would abruptly need large amounts of space whenever we started to connect intimately. Sucks that he has difficulty with maintaining relationships but that’s not your problem to solve. my ex and I dated for 5 years. They usually come back but it takes them a very long time. But I’m curious does it caused them to become angry? Realizing that there were two people in the relationship and that I wasn't a saint (even though he keeps reassuring me that I'm perfect). I have Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment due to childhood trauma. I myself am anxious attached. Hi, I’m 25M dealing with my second break up of the same relationship with my dismissive avoidant girlfriend (24). To an avoidant personality 30 days feels like 10 days. You don’t want to reconnect with an avoidant unless they’ve worked on their avoidant behaviour. kpkmxh wqzbii ylswl gojjfnf gfsla tou arn bbyc zztqa hpfh